One of my favourite things to do is self reflection. It allows me to make sure I’m properly calibrated who what I believe and who I want to be. Here are some thoughts stemming from my findings.
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If you’ll let me be honest. A while ago I was super depressed.
It’s not often that it happens, but when it comes it’s like a flood: meaningful enough to disrupt everything else.
A little bit of context, I serve in different aspects of the life of our church. And due to transportation and logistical limitations and the desire to be efficient, some weeks I’d spend over 12 hours on the church property.
At the beginning you are super mindful of God and it’s all great, but as this becomes the cycle of your life you lose sight of God and there’s a disconnect between your relationship with Him, and the expression of that relationship.
You end up doing the action without the motivation, the reason, or the meaning.
You are in what I call a “serving loop”, it’s similar to a habit loop, except that you’re serving in whatever applicable sphere.
The danger is that if you don’t recognize it early, you become accustomed to doing things for a God you may hate. You get drawn into the legalism of “it has to be done,” and each additional opportunity to serve feels like you’re between a rock and a hard place. Choosing between doing something you hate, and ultimately going to somewhere you’d hate for not choosing to do it. That’s tough.
This can compound to looking for a different church to “start over”. To be somewhere where the expectation you’ve set for yourself isn’t.
You think of sabbaticals more often in your pursuit of escape.
What now?
Reconnect with the father.
Take some time off, if that means for a week, or a month or a year for you to get back into your love for Him. To remember who He is, and who He says you are.
And that serving is the response (an expression of your love for him) to his love for you, not an attempt to attain it.
‘Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” ’ Luke 10:38-42 ESV
Jesus is trying to speak to us, but we are too busy being busy for him to hear him. Take a moment. Breathe. Reconnect with the Father.
